I Hate Goodbyes

It has been an emotional weekend around here in Casa de Run Momma. I could not be happier about my impending move to Tacoma and although my house is chaotic with boxes and piles of things to be kept, sold or thrown out, I happily do this knowing I will be home soon.

The Hubs left today and we will not see him until early July. He took with him my most beloved plants-- a few cacti for souvenirs and some plants that I have had since we got married 10 years ago. Several rooms in the house are empty except for boxes, including his walk in closet (we have separate closets in our master) and his side of the bathroom. I wish that we were leaving with him but for a few reasons, it had to be this way.

In addition to saying goodbye to him, I said goodbye to my personal trainer on Friday. I had one final session with him and it was awesome. I did these things called sumo lifts and worked my way up the rack to heavier weights until I came to the 90 pound weights.

My trainer said he had never seen a girl in the gym use those weights and I can never say no to a challenge and so I did one set of sumo lifts with the bad boy weights. My trainer was so proud of me and I was so proud of me too! He had me sign the weight at the end of the session and I told him I would come back and top any other girl if my record was ever broken. :-)

The sesson came to an end and it was time to say goodbye. I could barely mutter any words out because I could feel the tears coming on. My trainer told me that he has been training for 20+ years and sometimes someone special comes along and you have a great bond with them and that I had become one of those few people. I could tell he was being sincere because over the past few months, I feel like we have developed a bond and I totally trusted him in everything we ever did. And when I was in that gym, there was nothing else ever going on in my life except for what we were doing right there in that moment. I never once questioned what we were doing or never once said that I couldn't do it. Sometimes I would give my trainer a leery look as he put on heavier weights for different exercises but I always obliged. My trainer always pushed me in just the right way and I never failed. Even with those 90 pound weights.

When I look in the mirror, I see a fat girl. A fat girl who can run and lift heavy weights, sure, but a fat girl nonetheless. And it is sooo hard to break that cycle and see myself as an athlete or someone who is beautiful. But on Friday, I looked in the mirror as I was holding a dumbell in my hands and for just one split second, I saw myself as a strong female athlete with awesome leg muscles, great shoulders and a tight back. I didn't see a fat girl at all.

For just once, I saw myself in someone else's eyes. Because my trainer has been telling me all the changes he has seen. I didn't see them for myself until that very last day. And I liked what I saw! I didn't want to leave that session and just wanted to work out as long as I could. To avoid having to say goodbye.

So, the past few days have been tough for me...with so many goodbyes and so many doors shutting while I attempt to open new ones. I keep thinking about that I won't be going back to my trainer and I already miss him and my workouts. I know I can get another trainer in Tacoma but I also already know that it won't be the same. It will be hard to duplicate that relationship.

But, if I just try to put a little faith into what he taught me and apply that to my life, everything will work itself out. It always does.